Funeral

Today was my friend’s father’s funeral.  He was of Swedish descent and my friend was half korean.  It was a nice gathering and her mother was heartbroken.

He was a marine or in the navy I think, so they had 2 men come out and do a flag ceremony, blow the trumpet and play taps, a shortened version, and so it was actually really poignant.  I realized pomp and ceremony are actually wonderful things.  They give order and meaning and depth to a ceremony.  It’s something to express the appreciation the branch of military had for her father’s service and it was nice.  I have to say, it was the first I saw in real life.

My father performed the ceremony and I translated.  It was not easy given I am out of practice.  I used to translate every Sunday for my father when I attended his services.  It kept my korean sharp.  I saw alot of old friends from my youth, highschool, and it was good to see them, even in the sad circumstance.  My friend herself has lost a parent.  I gather that this is something we will all encounter soon, given our ages and basically soon enough we’ll be, one by one, experiencing failing healths of our parents, deaths, and things that happen in life when one gets older.

I think the thing I will remember most is the rememberance my friend wrote and read and how she was able to depend on her father.  He was quiet, kind and dependable.  He was a good man.  Simple and straightforward.  He was sensible, reasonable, rational, even keeled.  He was always there for her.  And that is what she remembers, above all, how her father was there for her.  I think about that and death, and life, and you realize that basically when it all boils down to those last moments when people will remember you most, what is it that they will remember you by?

It’s certainly not anything more than the relationships you had with them, that’s for sure.  It’s the time you spent, the impressions, the help, the love and the affect one can only have with another person.

What is really there to life except other people and the relationships.  Other than that, we go through life, work, make a living, but the relationships and the bonds we have with other people is most important.  Coming from an introvert, living with an extrovert, I realize all you have, sometimes, is each other.  Money comes and goes.  Health comes and goes.  Even positive and negative feelings come and go.  People who remain in your life are constant mainstays, for those who are lucky to have good people in their lives.

Every once in awhile I take time to let people know how much they mean to me and I haven’t done that in awhile.  Please take time out to say a sentence, write a letter, let the one’s you love know how much they mean to you, and what they mean to you.  Spend the extra time, linger, pick up the phone and get together with someone who has meant alot to you but you haven’t had time to enjoy them.

The Best…

The best cut of steak is the porterhouse in restaurants.  At home, the ribeye.

The best korean restaurant in Oakland, Ca is Sora.  Don’t go there to late, you may get mugged in that part of town but it is the best korean food thus far in East Bay.

The best sushi I’ve been enjoying is Ozumo’s in SF.  Pricey but always dependably awesome and fresh.

The best shur lung bao’s (excuse my spelling, I am korean you know), is at the Rincon Center in SF, in a dim sum restaurant called Yank Sing.

The best shur lung bao’s in NY is at Joe Shanghai’s (crab and pork mix, with enough soup inside to flood a bowl).  Enough said.

The best experience I’ve had in NY was with money hotness.

The best tofu soup is at Tofu Cabin in Santa Clara, on El Camino.

The best date I had was the first one I had with my Mister.  He took me to a now defunct sushi restaurant in Palo Alto, that rivaled what is in Japan, according to one of my Japanese coworkers at the time, and dessert at the Peninsula Creamery (vanilla milkshake).

The best invention, I think, is still the wheel and running water.

Life is short

My friend’s father passed away on the 3rd.  It was a heartattack and it was sudden.  This is a close friend of mine who I knew since Jr. High so I knew her father.  The funeral is Tuesday and I feel so much for my friend.  This also puts into perspective some of my recent interactions with my own father.  Lately we’ve been at odds, more so than before.  Usually we aren’t fighting, in fact I thought we had a good relationship but when it comes to money matters, a man getting older and more sensitive, mix that in with a very hormonal pregnant woman and you get a disaster.  We fought a few times because I’ve realized my father and I have very different views of how to do things.  So we butt heads.  It wouldn’t be so much of a problem if our lives didn’t intersect but given the fact that he asks us to help him, as many elderly parents do, we then get mixed up in it all and that’s when tempers flare and we butt heads.

At the end of the day, though, my dad is not malicious, he’s not driven me to therapy.  He’s a good father who raised me with a healthy sense of self confidence and esteem.  I never had father or daddy issues.  We just butt heads now.  So I should think about being more patient.  Being more considerate and just more patient.  Alot more patient, not so short.   Be more understanding that he will not change, not in his age, not now, and if he is stubborn, so be it.  I should let him be and walk away.  Without blowing my stack at him.  My Mister pointed out that I don’t let my father get away with much and that I call him on everything and I agree.  Maybe I should let some things slide.  What’s the big deal, after all.  If he’s gone, would I really care that he didn’t get the measurements of his kimche fridge as quickly as I wanted when we were going to LA to help him tote it back?  In the scheme of things, it’s not important and not enough to be mad at him.

Sigh…

Pismo Beach

We spent the weekend with some friends from church who have 2 kids and my little bunny is in the middle.  The mom is a super duper spunky mom and the dad is awesome.  They are fun to be around, seem to have the same vacationing styles as us and we had a great time.  Pismo beach was cool, the sand was soft and fine and it was kid friendly.   We barbequed and ate all day long, played in the sand, saw fireworks at night and it was awesome because we were one block away from where we were staying.  My girlfriend went to St. Luis Obispo so it was great since she knew the town quite well.  The drive was about 4 or 3.5 hours so not bad for a quick getaway.  I would totally go back.  Incidentally this couple knows money hotness well.  They ran in the same circles so we all knew each other before but then we met up again in church, which was odd.

She couldn’t place me at first when I went up to her and said, hey do you remember me.  She said, church camp?  I said, no, totally unrelated to church.  When she found out I was friends with money hotness, she actually said, you aren’t a bad girl?  HAHA.  Sorry money hotness, I have no idea where she got that idea from.  She couldn’t understand how someone as “religious” as I was, hang out with folks who aren’t church goers.  I told her I had great friends and it didn’t come between us.  My friends from highschool are very very awesome.  They don’t judge, I don’t judge.  We accept each other as is, we grew up together and grew closer together.  They let me walk my faith without pressure to be anything else but who I am.  Likewise, it works because I accept them for who they are.  I’ve shared my beliefs but I don’t shove it down their throat or say we can’t be friends because we don’t practice the same religion.  Just worked out.  I could have had other friends who may not have been as understanding and maybe I would have grown apart from them.  Luckily it was not the case.  You meet people in life who you walk with for long periods of time, some for the rest of your life, other’s they stay awhile and then go.

I met a group of women who will walk with me the rest of the way.  I’ve fortunate, I am blessed.   I am thankful.

Seen through another set of lenses

We had our book club meeting last night at super korean mommy’s dad’s restaurant in S. SF.  Her coworker friend who’ll I’ll call Yalie, is now engaged to her Taiwanese fiance!  After I guess, 4-5 years of dating, long distance and short distance they are getting married.

It was funny since we barely talked about F. Scott Fitzgerald’s book, This Side of Paradise” and that was the purpose of the book club.  Anyhow, I think dimples is ready, and I think I am too, to ease off on the book club.  I’m going to give birth in about 4 months so I will have no time except if we squeezed in one more book or something and I’m less inclined to do it.

What was funny was the book lent itself to alot of odd topics.  It’s about a well to do young man and his journey and self discovery, having been stripped of his wealth, but because he comes from a upper class family, it looks at his prep school period, his time at an ivy league, his snobby mother and various friends and girls he’s fallen in love with.  One girl breaks off their engagement to marry a wealthier man since his prospects dried up due to poor investments and his mother leaving everything to the church.

Taiwanese coworker of dimples, went to Exeter and said how his education was top notch.  We spoke of the set up preppies at the schools.  Super korean mommy and I, being Californians, had no concept of prep schools really except the local catholic private school.  I was near a few in Oakland and Piedmont but really my idea of prep school was just really LL Bean commercial spreads, Cape Cod, East Coast-ish things, Sperry topsiders, rugby shirts and khaki’s.  Blond hair and long bangs.  Pastels and pinks on boys. 

How awesome is that.

We digressed and moved onto mother-in-laws and all three of us had alot to say to super korean mommy’s coworker who is white and marrying into a Taiwanese immigrant’s family.  Her hubby is the only son and her eyes got big as saucers as we regaled her with our stories of mother-in-law battles.  Me and super korean mommy had the worst experiences where both of us actually had our mother-in-laws leave our houses in a huff when visiting.  Super korean mommy had direct blowouts with her in law.  I never did have an actual confrontation or shouting match myself but my Mister has suffered his diret blowouts instead.  I’d rather he fight with his mom, who can forgive him then me fight with my mother-in-law who may or may not be able to forgive me.  Anyhow, it’s been over ten years for super korean mommy and so they now have a somewhat comfortable relationship, her and her in-laws.

As she is about to give birth to a 2nd daughter, she was quite philosophical in her perspective now.  She could now see the desire to be close to one’s children, at any age and how the marrying and rejection or shift of the relationship of your own child could be so traumatic.  She now wishes she was less bullheaded about going toe to toe with her mother in law.  I’m not so sure it was possible to avoid.  Some things are on a crash course collision and you have to just let it happen.  I’m all for diplomatic conversations, and being really mindful of what you say and your actions, as they do affect all relationships and the future interactions one has but sometimes it’s just inevitable.  My mother-in-law leaving, was inevitable.  Nothing could have prevented it. Not even if I was a Harvard medical school graduate (which my mother-in-law probably wanted), who’s parents were doctors and graduated from the same schools in Korea as she did, (which again she would have wanted), whose grandparents were doctors, and who had a butt load of money.  Not even then do I think my mother-in-law would have adjusted well to her son getting married and “leaving” her.  Not even if I was all that and Martha Stewart.  I am not sure, maybe being Martha would have helped ease the transition and I could outdo her doilies.  Kidding.  Hand made cards in calligraphy print, perhaps.  Ok, kidding again.

Well, suffice to say, Yalie’s eyes got bigger and bigger.  She really did want to know what to talk about before they got married.  Which I think is a good idea in any case, regardless of cultural baggage.  You should talk to your future husband about finances, expectations of parents, living with parents or really talk about plans for their care when they become really dependent.

For her I suggested she talk to her fiance about whether the parents expected to live with them at all, at any part of their lives.  That’s a big one.  I said you have alot of options before that.  If they have their own means, they can live near you, by you, just not with you.  My Mister always thought 30 minutes was a good distance.  Close but not too close.  I say more like 10 minutes but it depends on the parent.  My mother-in-law would have dropped by alot and other’s may not so much.  All depends.  What I realize now is that if my in-laws moved here, they would have left everything that occupies their life and makes it rich and full in retirement.  The local symphony, the friends, the gym and club membership, the swim center and yoga classes.  They would have come here and may have found those things but would also have been bored and then the focus and intensity of boredom would have focuses on us.  My in-laws would have expected dinner with us probably every evening.  While they would have been closer and could spend time with my bunny and gotten closer to the grandchild, they would also have lost out on a rich part of their life.  So it’s hard.  We want to have them close to foster a closer relationship with their grandchild, our bunny, be able to help them because they are not halfway across the country.  But the distance is still comforting.  It’s distance so there’s no abrasive interactions.  It’s been an adjustment period and truly I do know all any parent wants is to spend time with their children.  I understand that.  What gets in the way is the expectation and control of trying to manipulate or manuever an adult child and their spouse, who clearly may not appreciate such actions or expectations.

My mother-in-law now has a focus on a granddaughter, something she was very happy to hear about having.  I’m happy for this time now and I’m also a firm believer that the relationship between my in-laws and I will continue to evolve.  It’s just the way it is with relationships.  It’s not nearly bad enough where we don’t speak or can’t salvage any sense of kinship.  It needs time to develop and truly, at some point, my mother-in-law has to be stripped of her expectations, which has now happened.  I have to grow with the understanding of as a parent, what it means to symbolically, if not healthily, “lose” a child in the process of their growing up and marrying.

I may truly only understand once my little bunny marries and brings home that no good girl that I think is not good enough.    I hope not but you don’t know until you get there.  You truly don’t know until you get there, how you’ll react.   Hopefully my friends will keep me in check and be the voice of reason.  And hopefully I can combat my feelings and reason with myself and have understanding and patience for a daughter-in-law who wants her husband to herself and doesn’t want to be told what to do, or have her kitchen rearranged to look like mine. ha!

So how could I not comment on this

Two celebrities passed away.  Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.  Of the 2, both are memorable but Michael definitely was part of my adolescence.

I do have to say that his best album was the one with Billie Jean.  Billy Jean?  Whatever the spelling, it was a great album and great song.

He passed away young, 50 is not old at all.  Farrah, on the other hand had cancer and so I think folks knew it might not be a good prognosis.  It’s altogether peripheral, in terms of how it affects your life.  At least for me.  I don’t know these folks personally but I know of them.  No matter what and how they pass, it is still a life passing.  They touched alot of lives.

What would people say about me if I passed away.  It makes you pause and think and maybe it’ll make us live our lives a bit richer and better, more helpful to other’s, more meaningful and right.  Perhaps.  We get caught up, so frequently in the mundane day in and day out stuff, petty things, unimportant items assigned huge importance and so they compete for our attention and thoughts.  I guess if we knew time was super short, how quickly and how differently would our priorities be?  I wonder…

So if you ever wondered…

So if you ever wondered, the picture on top of my blog page is me holding 2 cd discs to my eyes.

It was taken by my hubby when we were dating or engaged.  He was visiting his folks in N. Carolina and we did web cam.  His father had a stroke so he was working out of their home to help out his mom.

The picture is of me on the webcam, but I’m holding 2 cd discs to my eyes…

It’s a girl!!

We found out the sex of the baby on Monday.  It’s official folks, it’s a girl!

We were so estatic.  I can’t tell you how happy I am.  My taiwanese best friend knows that I’ve been secretly buying girl clothes here and there all these years.  The worst purchase was a red wool pea coat from j.crew, with gold buttons.  It is too cute and it’s for a five year old.  The fact I bought it meant if we didn’t have a girl, I would have given it away to one of my friends who had a girl.  However, I got flack for it from Taiwanese friend. 

Anyhow, she was good and refrained from buying anything until she knew the sex of the baby and even then is refraining.  She’s being disciplined.  I think she’s got good self control.  So far I’m gonna get some stuff from my cute mommy friend who has a boy and a girl.

The rest of my friends all gave their stuff away.  Which is fine.  Is this little girl going to be spoiled, gosh I can’t help myself, in clothes, perhaps.  In love, of course.

At work my director, not direct manager, is acting all kooky.  Saying inappropriate things like she wants to pass out condoms since we have 2 people pregnant in our department.  I think this is a HR violation.  Totally.  Completely.  I know it’s stressful but hey, that’s life.  What do you expect from people who are of the child bearing age?  Life goes on.  So does work.  Sigh, sometimes I feel people lose sight of what’s really important sometimes.  You know?

My Advice From Dimples

My buddy dimples gave me good advice about my crazy ex friend who decided to drop me an email to “rekindle” our friendship.  All of which I am not interested.  For one, I haven’t forgiven him yet, after 3 yrs.  It’s evident because my first reaction to his out of the blue email is, what the HELL is he doing emailing me!!!!

haha!  I guess that shows I’m still upset?  Dimples heard the story and she suggested that while I can perhaps look to forgive this person, it does not mean I have to be their friend, or tell them I’m forgiving them or have not forgiven them.  She has a good point.  I think I should though, forgive this person and basically go through the conscientious and deliberate act of making sure I have forgiven this person.  Even if I don’t rekindle our friendship.  At the end of the day, I also decided his email deserves a response.  I’m just going to let it simmer and write an email and also let it sink and soak in before I send it. My friend prayed for me and it was nice being prayed for.  I really appreciated it and realized it’s great having friends who can share spiritual experiences with and care about it too.

My Mister is Soooooooo Maaaaaanly

So while I always grouse about how nerdy  my husband is, you have to know one thing.  Physically my Mister does not, I repeat, does NOT look like a nerd.  What does this mean?  For one, though he is Korean, he is not stick thin.  He has extremely broad shoulders, is hairy, so he looks manly.  He looks like a guy.  A guy’s guy.  How else to put it?  He used to play rugby in college and the fraternities used to use him as a ringer.  That kinda puts it into perspective doesn’t it?  So no, he does not look reed thin asian man bespectacled, or slight or like the wind could not him over.  He’s a solid dude.  5′10.  Broad shoulders and he doesn’t have the ill fated asian body where the top half is longer than his legs.  He’s adequately proportioned.  So what does this have to do with anything?  At my aunt’s 2nd wedding, which was a beautiful wedding, by the way, he met my grandmother’s oldest and bestest friend.  She is a firecracker, snappy and suffers no fools.  She is just like my grandmother.  She is wearing some really nice jewelry pieces.  They were best friends in Korea and met when they were both 18.  She had never met my Mister before and was curious, quite curious in how he looked, who he was, etc.  It turns out that he usually is the one, these days, to take our little bunny on rides to get him to nap so he was missing for most of the meal at the reception.  I finish eating and go outside to relieve him when my brother offers to watch my little bunny since he’s still asleep. We leave my brother and go in.  I bring him dutifully to the ah-joo-mah (korean for the old misses, kinda), and introduce him.  Her eyes widen and embarrassingly enough she says, wow he is so maanly.  Ummm, I’m kinda embarrassed.  She approvingly says, he is so manly.  I guess she was expecting some weakling?  haha!  The fact is she has two strapping handsome sons, of which one looks like a hot 80’s rock star god, does indicate she knows something about young men being strapping or weakling like.  Well, she was always bragging how handsome her sons were, and truthfully, they were.  I kid you not.  I met him, the oldest, when I was in high school and he was a twenty something bad arse with huge muscles, long shoulder length feathered rock god hair, handsome hapa features and a blond bimbo girlfriend to boot who looked like she stepped out of a Van Halen rock video.  I kid you not, bad perm, pretty face, and blond.

Anyhow, she talks to my Mister and chats about some of my grandmother’s and her escapades.  She is happy to meet him and then we sit down.  My Mister says to me, she is not someone to mess with.  I say to my Mister, imagine how she spoke really great english, her mannerisms, pretty much that is how my grandmother was.    All in all, funny experience but a reminder that I married no nerdy man on the exterior at least.